19.

my sleeping pattern is beyond fucked now, too many six am bedtimes and three pm wake ups. i haven't left the house in three days but thankfully tomorrow i'll at least go elsewhere to use the internet, and hopefully go out. almost cannot contain my excitement for friday.

i never sleep -> death's relative, you know the deal.

18.

saturday night was the dropsaw and jack napier show at trash, we got there pretty late and i didn't really start drinking until the bands finished.

i have seriously got to be the worst dancer ever, i don't even know what i do because i'm always drunk when it happens. spent a few hours up stairs and then as everyone was leaving i decided to call up the girl i was supposed to be staying with. see and somewhat ignore bort, break my belt and then walk to central where i am informed the train to said girls place doesn't come for like two hours, due to machine errors i got on the newcastle train ticketless and had a little spew in the toilets. it was almost 5am when i boarded, due to low battery i had no idea on the time but when i awoke at gosford it was daylight. trackwork meant i had to catch a bus from gosford to morriset and then back on a train to newcastle. next thing i know i've slept three stops past my own, i'm at the end of the line in newcastle hungover as fuck and it's 8:15am.

as i'm writing this it is 10am, i've been home for just under an hour and i think i'll go to sleep now because i feel like complete and utter shit.

i've got a love-hate relationship, with love and hate.

17.

this has been an excellent year for tours, nothing makes me feel more at home than seeing my favourite bands playing while being surrounded by some of my best friends. speaking of validation at the expense of others, seeing those dudes who used to write me off for no reason just drop away and hang at the civic. oh what a feeling.

this is going to be an incredible night, come and ruin the venue as this is her nightmare's final tour.


still ill after all these years, i feel at ease around my peers.

16.

wednesday night got pretty wyld. the night started out at the hamilton station hotel, where against, no love lost and onslaught were playing a free show on their current tour. get out and see against and no love lost, probably the two toughest bands in the country while still remaining friendly and approachable.

from there the party moved to the cambridge which i expected to be as average as usual. credit to liamAUTOPSY for making my night a success, his beer-buying generosity helped my enjoyment greatly. nights like those are the ones where i wish i actually had a job, it would have been an amazing journey if i was as loose as ollie and liam ended up getting. i was surprised the straight edge didn't stop josh from staying out all night, i have hard enough trouble looking after drunk punishers while i'm intoxicated.

we left at close and went raiding in kotara, didn't really find anything good besides standard garden lights. after some intense tactical driving maneuvers we stopped so ollie could have a spew and then headed home. tops night.

notable quotes from the night:
'74 packets of chips, no more and no less.'
'i'm just going to speak colectively here, we...'
'hey guys, i'm going to go smoke weed with these guys; they are all gay.'

i am aware this is a double negative but;

i don't see no fucking hope.

15.

ruiner are on tour currently and on wednesday night they played in sydney, i have been excited for the possible tour for so long and the announcement couldn't have made me happier. now i await trash talk, trapped under ice, another visit from ceremony and the dream of a one-off sinking ships australian tour.

i caught the 1:30 train to sydney, i've always liked the newcastle to sydney train. it's three hours of peace (for the most part) and luckily i had a new book to replace my absent ipod. owen was an hour late to meet me at central because he is a write-off, so i read more of my book and chatted to a sweaty mexican man. walked slowly up george street and got shitty oporto before heading to the venue, but on the way we ran into the infamous ddave, cornwell, his friends and brooke so we tailed them back to the landsdowne. heaps of dudes were there, but i just drank a beer with liamAUTOPSY and then we left to sort a way for owen to get into the show.

ended up working itself out really easily, just told rob sullivan of ruiner our predicament and he just said 'follow me in'. the show started and ten paces killed it, rhys is a top (and buff) dude and break even were surprisingly good considering last time i saw them they had an average sound. ruiner. just ruiner. so amazing, i wish i could have gone to more shows.

it was so intense;

as i screamed for you to understand what it feels like to not be as important to someone as they are to you.

14.

However much i want an outlet, i don't want to name drop and bare all. i'm in the final stretch for this shitty uni course, and to be honest i'll probably fail.

i haven't really left the house much recently, i'm becoming more and more of a recluse and spending upwards of twelve hours on the internet at one time is not at all uncommon for me. my uni work shows that my motivation is almost at an all time low which is hard to believe considering i near failed my hsc, haven't been legitimately employed in almost three years and i'm on my learners at age nineteen.

everyone should come to the yoyo's halloween show on the thirty-first, pretty decent line up so it should be good. make sure you dress up, and say hi to me. for more details go to myspace.com/dropsaw. hopefully i'll get my outfit together, if all goes well i shall in appropriate nerd attire and maybe a cape.

a photo is on my myspace, which is linked in the column to your right.
and to describe my constant facade,

stay coldaaaaaaa.

13.

does anyone read this? i realise there isn't much to read, but do you check to see if i've updated? even an anonymous comment would be nice.

12.

hey, my friend benny temper and his band of lovable misfits are playing melbourne in december. i want to fly down and get heaps messed up, maybe get bashed or try to surf in a fountain. i don't have a job currently and i would really like to attend, so below is a button i created in which you can donate any sum of money to assist me. thanks in advance.

edit: i am no longer trying to get down to melbourne in december but hey, money is money and i'll undoubtedly use it for all of the things above if you are willing to donate.

http://www.myspace.com/taipandaggers
http://www.myspace.com/repomandaggers
http://www.myspace.com/deathcagesydney

11.

this lyric sends legitimate shivers down my spine, heavy.

i can't expect you to cut loose every noose i wrap around myself.
i feel the floor dropping out, just let me swing myself to sleep.
leave me in the darkness, leave me to my peace.

10.

you are all interchangeable to me, different parts for different moods and on different days of the week. my build-it-yourself robot in the form of a friend.

i want to write something i can look back on and actually like, not something boring and generic like this, or like me.

bear witness to the birth of broken promises.