no hopes.

farewell.

2009-05-09T01:29:00.000+10:00

no hopes. no friends. no life. nothing.

34.

2009-03-10T12:43:00.001+11:00

deleted.

33.

2009-02-22T14:48:00.007+11:00

deleted.

32.

2009-02-11T18:52:00.006+11:00

deleted.

31.

2009-02-03T01:03:00.006+11:00

deleted.

30.

2009-02-02T23:34:00.001+11:00

deleted.

29.

2009-01-27T23:51:00.002+11:00

deleted.

28.

2009-01-26T21:43:00.009+11:00

deleted.

27.

2009-01-20T23:03:00.002+11:00

deleted.

26.

2009-01-18T04:27:00.009+11:00

deleted.

25.

2009-01-16T23:04:00.001+11:00

deleted.

24.

2009-01-02T02:26:00.005+11:00

deleted.

23.

2008-12-29T02:21:00.005+11:00

deleted.

22.

2008-12-21T03:31:00.004+11:00

i want to cancel out my emotional shortcomings by showering myself in things only money can buy, only things money can provide; happiness is certainly included. i just want nice things and a nice, comfortable life.

i picture clean white walls, simplistic furniture, polished floorboards, framed prints hanging on every wall and a camera on the table. i want to be past this awkward stage of not knowing what to do and i desperately need inspiration and motivation. they say less is more, but what do you do when you have nothing.

21.

2008-12-19T02:55:00.007+11:00

wednesday night was such a good night, it makes me realise my life will be vastly improved once i have a secure job and i can drink frequently. most of the group were drunk and some were beyond drunk, aka liam. all i can say is how did we have so much fun when there was a large period of time where we just had photos taken of us as i pulled heinous faces. i did not enjoy the hour walk home at all. i would like to thank my friends and new friends for making it a good night and to liam for providing the funnies; 'message the internet, tell it i am ready to go'.

and i'll i've got to say, is that you guys are all i need.

20.

2008-12-17T00:35:00.001+11:00

normally i don't update out of laziness but recently it's because i haven't left the house very often, which in turn makes it hard to write about any new adventures although i doubt anyone really cares.

generally my day goes: wake up at two pm, turn on my computer and sign in and then retreat to my bed to watch episode after episode of grey's anatomy. i had always thought this series was utter crap from the one-off episodes i had seen on television but i've been sucked in and i'm only up to the second of five seasons. it's the right mix of drama and sadness that makes me look and sound like a girl, i live a good life. come sit on my bed sometime, i'll catch you up on the storyline.

hatred upon me, hatred upon you.

19.

2008-12-03T02:26:00.002+11:00

my sleeping pattern is beyond fucked now, too many six am bedtimes and three pm wake ups. i haven't left the house in three days but thankfully tomorrow i'll at least go elsewhere to use the internet, and hopefully go out. almost cannot contain my excitement for friday.

i never sleep -> death's relative, you know the deal.

18.

2008-11-30T10:01:00.004+11:00

saturday night was the dropsaw and jack napier show at trash, we got there pretty late and i didn't really start drinking until the bands finished.

i have seriously got to be the worst dancer ever, i don't even know what i do because i'm always drunk when it happens. spent a few hours up stairs and then as everyone was leaving i decided to call up the girl i was supposed to be staying with. see and somewhat ignore bort, break my belt and then walk to central where i am informed the train to said girls place doesn't come for like two hours, due to machine errors i got on the newcastle train ticketless and had a little spew in the toilets. it was almost 5am when i boarded, due to low battery i had no idea on the time but when i awoke at gosford it was daylight. trackwork meant i had to catch a bus from gosford to morriset and then back on a train to newcastle. next thing i know i've slept three stops past my own, i'm at the end of the line in newcastle hungover as fuck and it's 8:15am.

as i'm writing this it is 10am, i've been home for just under an hour and i think i'll go to sleep now because i feel like complete and utter shit.

i've got a love-hate relationship, with love and hate.

17.

2008-11-28T11:13:00.000+11:00

this has been an excellent year for tours, nothing makes me feel more at home than seeing my favourite bands playing while being surrounded by some of my best friends. speaking of validation at the expense of others, seeing those dudes who used to write me off for no reason just drop away and hang at the civic. oh what a feeling.

this is going to be an incredible night, come and ruin the venue as this is her nightmare's final tour.

still ill after all these years, i feel at ease around my peers.

16.

2008-11-27T23:00:00.008+11:00

wednesday night got pretty wyld. the night started out at the hamilton station hotel, where against, no love lost and onslaught were playing a free show on their current tour. get out and see against and no love lost, probably the two toughest bands in the country while still remaining friendly and approachable.

from there the party moved to the cambridge which i expected to be as average as usual. credit to liamAUTOPSY for making my night a success, his beer-buying generosity helped my enjoyment greatly. nights like those are the ones where i wish i actually had a job, it would have been an amazing journey if i was as loose as ollie and liam ended up getting. i was surprised the straight edge didn't stop josh from staying out all night, i have hard enough trouble looking after drunk punishers while i'm intoxicated.

we left at close and went raiding in kotara, didn't really find anything good besides standard garden lights. after some intense tactical driving maneuvers we stopped so ollie could have a spew and then headed home. tops night.

notable quotes from the night:
'74 packets of chips, no more and no less.'
'i'm just going to speak colectively here, we...'
'hey guys, i'm going to go smoke weed with these guys; they are all gay.'

i am aware this is a double negative but;

i don't see no fucking hope.

15.

2008-11-14T16:25:00.007+11:00

ruiner are on tour currently and on wednesday night they played in sydney, i have been excited for the possible tour for so long and the announcement couldn't have made me happier. now i await trash talk, trapped under ice, another visit from ceremony and the dream of a one-off sinking ships australian tour.

i caught the 1:30 train to sydney, i've always liked the newcastle to sydney train. it's three hours of peace (for the most part) and luckily i had a new book to replace my absent ipod. owen was an hour late to meet me at central because he is a write-off, so i read more of my book and chatted to a sweaty mexican man. walked slowly up george street and got shitty oporto before heading to the venue, but on the way we ran into the infamous ddave, cornwell, his friends and brooke so we tailed them back to the landsdowne. heaps of dudes were there, but i just drank a beer with liamAUTOPSY and then we left to sort a way for owen to get into the show.

ended up working itself out really easily, just told rob sullivan of ruiner our predicament and he just said 'follow me in'. the show started and ten paces killed it, rhys is a top (and buff) dude and break even were surprisingly good considering last time i saw them they had an average sound. ruiner. just ruiner. so amazing, i wish i could have gone to more shows.

it was so intense;

as i screamed for you to understand what it feels like to not be as important to someone as they are to you.

14.

2008-10-23T23:59:00.004+11:00

However much i want an outlet, i don't want to name drop and bare all. i'm in the final stretch for this shitty uni course, and to be honest i'll probably fail.

i haven't really left the house much recently, i'm becoming more and more of a recluse and spending upwards of twelve hours on the internet at one time is not at all uncommon for me. my uni work shows that my motivation is almost at an all time low which is hard to believe considering i near failed my hsc, haven't been legitimately employed in almost three years and i'm on my learners at age nineteen.

everyone should come to the yoyo's halloween show on the thirty-first, pretty decent line up so it should be good. make sure you dress up, and say hi to me. for more details go to myspace.com/dropsaw. hopefully i'll get my outfit together, if all goes well i shall in appropriate nerd attire and maybe a cape.

a photo is on my myspace, which is linked in the column to your right.
and to describe my constant facade,

stay coldaaaaaaa.

13.

2008-10-21T01:34:00.002+11:00

does anyone read this? i realise there isn't much to read, but do you check to see if i've updated? even an anonymous comment would be nice.

12.

2008-10-07T00:06:00.008+11:00

hey, my friend benny temper and his band of lovable misfits are playing melbourne in december. i want to fly down and get heaps messed up, maybe get bashed or try to surf in a fountain. i don't have a job currently and i would really like to attend, so below is a button i created in which you can donate any sum of money to assist me. thanks in advance.

edit: i am no longer trying to get down to melbourne in december but hey, money is money and i'll undoubtedly use it for all of the things above if you are willing to donate.

http://www.myspace.com/taipandaggers
http://www.myspace.com/repomandaggers
http://www.myspace.com/deathcagesydney

11.

2008-10-03T01:46:00.001+10:00

this lyric sends legitimate shivers down my spine, heavy.

i can't expect you to cut loose every noose i wrap around myself.
i feel the floor dropping out, just let me swing myself to sleep.
leave me in the darkness, leave me to my peace.

10.

2008-10-01T01:58:00.003+10:00

you are all interchangeable to me, different parts for different moods and on different days of the week. my build-it-yourself robot in the form of a friend.

i want to write something i can look back on and actually like, not something boring and generic like this, or like me.

bear witness to the birth of broken promises.

9.

2008-09-30T23:59:00.004+10:00

this weekend was pretty great, specifically sunday. we travelled down to sydney in the early morning and i had very little sleep which ruined my mood for the day but the second ceremony started playing; fuck. just fuck.

it was utterly crazy, it was almost the most fun i've had in quite a while which revolved around getting hurt and yelling clean in singers face as he contorted his face and scared half the crowd. he was mental and one of the nicest dudes i've met, even said he'd help sneak an underage friend into the night show and put me on the door list which rules because i'm still unemployed. i always get worried larger touring bands are going to be full of rockstar fuckwits but this was far from true.

the night show wasn't quite as good minus the dead kennedys cover, besides that it was a whole lot more contained and people were more angry about being run into. easily one of the best weekends of my life.

what's life without love, what's love without hate. what good is your heart if it doesn't break.

8.

2008-09-23T22:16:00.012+10:00

commence shitty long post.

i left for melbourne on wednesday on a whim and 45 minutes notice in which i arranged my bags and managed to borrow $400 off mum. we left at about 10:30pm and began the approximate twelve hours of driving, i probably got around twenty minutes of sleep the whole time which was terrible but the highlight came when i got to sit up front and keep roffey awake.

at about 7am we drove past a massive kangaroo on the side of the road and it sat up, with blood pouring from it's head it turned to us. it was cute. at about the same time i took this photo with my phone and i really wish i had a proper camera on me, the sky was so blue and the grass so green.

we got in around midday and hung at a friends unit for a few hours, basically everyone fell asleep during anchorman. at 5pm we headed into the city to go to la porchetta's before the show at next nightclub. a lot of people say it's pretty average but in my opinion it's amazing. the size for the price is unbeatable (to my knowledge). for like $11 i am pretty happy with that.

after the show we went upstairs to the metal room and i had my first jagerbomb, and probably my last at $7 odd. someone had the bright idea of going back to dallas dancers but it was closer and it was ended up at the men's gallery strippers, i wish i could take photos inside but i wasn't willing to have my head stepped on. here's a phone camera photo of my favourite place in the entire world.

friday morning we drove to adelaide which is 9 hours of desert and a few small towns. i'll keep this brief by saying the drive sucks and the city sucks. nothing of interest really happened except i'd never seen this flowers before, someone said they are canola flowers. it was some non-homo beautiful shit, paddock sized areas of bright yellow flowers which looked to be almost waist height.

i can't really be bothered to keep writing this novel so i'll just sum up the rest. on the way back from adelaide we saw a kangaroo get hit by a semi-trailer in the oncoming lane. it was about 4am and we hadn't seen anything in hour when suddenly it hops out in front of the semi, it clips it and the kangaroo spins on it's head and does a few flips until it ends up on our side of the road, it was crazy.

saturday was sike your mind, the turnout was large but i spent my time at seaford rsl smashing schooners waiting for dropsaw to play and what a show it was. shoutout to seaford charcoal chicken and the old pedofile in the wheel chair.

here are a few other crappy photos.

sam (red hair) getting beat up.

fuck you sam (red hair).

sam (red hair) wearing a disguise in seaford charcoal chicken. nothing can disguise the colour.

7.

2008-09-16T17:50:00.004+10:00

my track record shows this sudden surge of attraction will not last.

lock yourself away from me.

6.

2008-09-09T23:50:00.009+10:00

all week i earn money as best i can and it culminates into what most people would call a waste, but it's a cycle that i'm starting to really love. seeing a band i really like full of dudes i really like day after day fucking rules, going to shitty clubs and dancing badly to shittier songs fucking rules, sleeping on floors doesn't rule as much although i still appreciate it.

this town is my war zone.

5.

2008-09-05T14:59:00.006+10:00

burning bridges has never kept me warm.

i just want to get through the night without seeing the rising sun.

4.

2008-09-03T23:18:00.017+10:00

yesterday i skipped uni to clean my room, the sun was shining through my window and i just felt happy and warm but that didn't last long at all; maybe summer will actually be good for me. i want to go back to the days of sitting in the sun somewhere and reading a good book. uni life is exhausting and this course is barely time consuming, 1500 word report due. fuck, i am drowning. the loft friday, hermann's o18 saturday and wyong on sunday.

why is it that every kid in 2008 is a record collector? i haven't really thought about collecting anything unless maybe it was one of my favourite bands or if the artwork was anything short of amazing. however contradictory this is to my initial statement, i just started to collect sinking ships 7"s because, well, everything else is out of my price range. if you didn't know, sinking ships was a melodic hardcore band from seattle, washington with lyrics as far from posi and optimistic as they come. they broke up a few months ago and this is the final 7" they are releasing. it's on gold, screen printed cover and it's out of /250. sold out already.

i don't want to be lost between a comfortable desperation and a saving grace.

3.

2008-09-02T16:08:00.005+10:00

it's 4:09 and i have uni at six, which means three hours of a subject i don't understand and the cold walk to and from the bus stop. i think might defer for a year to just work and save, i say that now but i've been unemployed for three years. i just want to sit at home and listen to these until i feel a little more hopeless:

here's to our fucking youth, spent wasted the fuck out.

2.

2008-09-02T12:47:00.007+10:00

i interviewed dropsaw on saturday night when we were all pretty drunk, it's not entirely finished and it's a little too long to post here so i've just chosen a few questions to post. hopefully it will be up on brokenglassonline.com in a few days, here's a little glimpse.

Dropsaw are a metallic hardcore band hailing from the town of Newcastle, New South Wales. I’m going to go out on a limb here and call them the loosest band Newcastle has to offer currently; if you are down for beerbongs, tins and heavy music drawing inspiration from the likes of Sworn Enemy, 100 demons and Ringworm then head to http://www.myspace.com/dropsaw or pick up Victims Or Killers in a store near you.

What do you take inspiration from and what keeps you in Dropsaw?
J: The inspiration comes from bands I love, and how I’ve always wanted to be in a band. What’s keeping me in Dropsaw is all the boys I’m in it with, parties at Mitch and Simone’s house, unbelievably funny things happening while on the road, head banging & beerbongs.
S: Hanging out with a good bunch of dudes while playing the music I love.
J: We will never be one of those bands on the road non-stop, most of us have full time jobs and we're realistic that making money to live [while] in a band is a very fucking hard thing to do. We're enjoying what we're doing at the moment so we'll keep going the way we are.

1.

2008-09-01T23:50:00.010+10:00

i don't know why i've started this blog or why i am expecting anyone to care enough to read. it seems like everyone moderately into hardcore has a blog to display their latest merch, records or lonely writings and sadly, i don't think i'll be an exception to this. i'm just an average teenager/early adult with no surprising or original proplems, life is much harder for many other people and i'm just trying to find another reason to hate myself.

never take me seriously, cause who the fuck am i. just some awkward kid from a shitty town no different from any of you.

nothing has ever rung more true.